The Night Before & The Morning After
by KT Welsh
Summary: Sirius' train of thought before Lily and James' wedding. Why exactly has Lily shown up at his front door? Two part fic done.
1. The Night Before

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Disclaimer: I do not own Sirius or Lily, or James or Remus…do you get the picture? They're all J.K. Rowling's fabulous creations. I am merely toying with them to amuse myself.

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This is a little experimental fic, basically Sirius's train of thought the night before Lily and James get married. I'd be interested in opinions on it – constructive opinions please! Also, please let me know if the rating's OK – I'm never sure! Thanks.

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The Night Before

So, I'm in love with Lily.

There, I said it. That wasn't so bad, was it? Sure, my heart is pounding, my palms are sweating and I think I'm going to throw up at any moment, but it was a lot less painless than I thought it might be.

Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is that there's no getting away from it. I, Sirius Black, am completely, hopelessly, utterly in love with Lily Evans.

However I'm guessing this probably isn't the best time for me to realise that.

Let me clarify that last statement. What I mean is, I doubt that there is _ever_ a good time to realise you're in love with your best friend's girlfriend, but the night before their wedding most certainly does not fall into that category. It really is most inconvenient timing.

Do you think it would be all right, say, if James was on his deathbed and was gazing up at me with tear-filled eyes, clutching my hand tightly and begging me hoarsely to look after his beloved girl? Would my confession be welcomed in that case?

Wait - scratch that. Am starting to imagine that very scenario with a hint of smile on my face. It is not good to picture your best friend's death under _any_ circumstances, never mind be pleased about the idea.

Sirius, get a grip! Breathe.

I don't think she knows. How could she know?

All right, so Remus knows. Apparently he noticed that I stared at her in dumbstruck awe every time she entered the room. Well, he's a very observant chap, so frankly I'd expect nothing less of him. But Lily…Lily is clueless - certainly when it comes to the fact that I adore her, anyway. Hopefully.

Oh my God. I have to give a speech tomorrow. I have to publicly wish them every happiness together while silently cursing the fact that James got there first. It's really not fair, you know.

I love her. I could make her happy.

But then, James also has these thoughts. And he is my best friend. How can I begrudge him her love? His happiness?

Because it should be mine, that's why!

Woah. Come on, brain, let's not go there, all right?

Ah, saved by the doorbell. That was close.

Shit. 

Lily's here.

Why is Lily here?

She can't know about my feelings for her, there's just no way she can.

Can she?

Remus wouldn't have said anything, would he?

No, of course not. He _likes_ me. He _definitely_ does not want James to kill me.

She's smiling, anyway. God, I love her smile. It just lights up her whole face. Look how her eyes are all crinkled up at the corners. I think that might just be the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Her teeth are great, so white and even. Her lips are so full…I bet they'd be soft and sweet against my own – brain, stop that!

What is she doing? Why is she moving closer? Why does she have that uncertain look in her eyes, as if she's scared?

Why did she just kiss me?

Wait a minute…

She just kissed me.

Brain, don't you dare think about how much I enjoyed it! At least, not until she's gone and we're alone. Then you can replay that moment as much as you like. I won't mind in the slightest, trust me.

No, no, no…Lily, don't go. You don't have to go. It's all right. Of course I'm not angry. Here, come here…that's better. Ssh. Please don't cry. It's going to be okay, I promise.

Or at least it will be if she stops looking up at me like that. Stop it! I want to kiss her when she looks at me like that…

I mean it. I'll kiss her…

Does she actually _want_ me to kiss her? Is that what's going on here?

Okay…here goes…

Wow. Her lips are incredibly soft. And that sticky goo she's wearing is really very tasty…reminds me of peach. Or mango. Or peach…hang on, let me check…yup, definitely mango.

James is one lucky man.

Oh God. Why'd I have to think of him?

Yes, of course she can kiss me again…and again…and oh, yes, again!

I think I love her.

Wait, what's she doing? Those are my buttons…okay, she's unfastening them. I see that now. Well, two can play at that game…hey, this is pretty tricky…help. I can't believe she let me take her shirt off. And now she's kissing me again. Wow. This is _terrific_. If I'm dreaming, _please_ don't let me wake up.

Should I try for the bra now? 

All right. I'm going in…and one-handed, no less.

You know, I don't think I _am_ dreaming. If I was, I'm sure this would be_ so_ much easier. I'd be whisking this thing off with a minimum of fuss, not flapping around ineffectively.

Who knew a little bit of lace could be so challenging? 

A-ha! Success!

God, her skin is smooth. I could touch it all night. And fingers crossed, I will. Ooh…she seems to like that…and that…let me just kiss here…excellent, another positive response!

I am on fire tonight! If the boys could see me now…

…James would be killing me and Remus would be trying to stop him. Perhaps not, eh?

Yes, have her kiss me again. Wipe away that most unpleasant of thoughts…thanks. 

Let her want to stay with me. Please. Just one night, that's all I'm asking for here. Is that too much to ask for?

Wait, where is she taking me now? Where…the bedroom?

Right.

Okay then.

Deep breath, and one more kiss for luck?

Excellent. That was the best yet.

But they say practice makes perfect, don't they?

See? I always knew they were onto something with that…

Well, I made it through the doorway without being struck down. Should I lie down?…She wants me to lie down?…Fine, then I'll lie down…

Oh God, she's terrific. I love her.

She's so gentle…she's trembling. I know she's excited…hey, a man can tell these things, all right? But I think she's nervous too. And I know _I'm_ nervous.

But it's going to be all right. I promise.

That's right – she should touch me there. I like that…_very_ much!

Too much. If I don't want this to be over in about three seconds, I'd better stop her from touching me there again.

There, that's better. The danger has passed. And she seems to be enjoying this much more anyway…I never thought she'd make this much noise…not that I've considered this scenario in any great detail, of course!

Brain, are you listening? I'm going to stop thinking now…am just going to touch this beautiful body before me…and feel everything I've ever stopped myself feeling before…and love every inch of her over and over again…

I'll think about James in the morning.

Ooh, don't stop! Never stop doing that!

I'll worry about everything in the morning.

The morning after the night before was made for worrying. 

And weddings.

Oh God.

Lily!


	2. The Morning After

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Disclaimer: Once again, everyone belongs to J.K. Rowling, except Bridget Jones who belongs to Helen Fielding. Read, enjoy, review and please don't sue.

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The Morning After

Ugh…buzzing…what?

Ooh, that was a big yawn. Neighbours probably heard that one.

Bright sunshine outside. But still not enough sleep.

Why is that alarm buzzing like that? Why do I have to get up? It's so _early_.

Hang on a sec, I remember now. James and Lily get married today…and I'm the best man…have to wear a suit…got my hair cut especially…I bet Lily will look beautiful.

Lily…Lily…why does thinking about her make my stomach churn?

How strange…hmm…will sleep some more. It might make more sense after a nap.

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep, four, five, sex…hang on, _sex_? What happened to six?

Sex…Lily…

………………………

Oh good God, what have I done?

Lily…here…kissing…bedroom…oh, yes…oh, no! No, no, no! Bad Sirius! 

Help!

Maybe if I keep my eyes closed she won't know that I'm awake. Maybe she'll leave, and we'll never mention _it_ again.

Damn, it was good though…no, wait, it was bad. Very, _very_ bad. In fact, I'd say excruciatingly so.

Aw, who am I trying to kid? It was terrific!

I can't believe I've done that to James, though. I feel awful. What was I thinking?

Not a lot, actually. Apart from how much I wanted Lily, that is. But that's not really much of an excuse now, is it?

Speaking of Lily, I wonder if she's awake yet. She doesn't seem to be moving…or _breathing_!

But I don't want to open my eyes, just in case she sees me and wants to talk. I can't talk about this yet. I'm not ready.

So I will just casually reach out - like so - and make sure she's all right. She'd better be okay. I can't even begin to think how I'll explain this to James if she isn't.

Why is my hand patting a big empty space?

Where is she?

Well, she's not next to me…and unless she's hiding in the wardrobe, she's not in the room.

She hasn't _gone_, has she? 

She can't have!

Lily? Lily?

Ah, there you are.

You made coffee? Ooh, that's nice. Just what I needed.

You want to talk?

We need to talk?

Oh, God. I was afraid you'd say that.

OK, talking…think I can remember how to do that…right.

You know, I don't know why I'm so worried about this, brain.

It'll be fine. I'll just come right out and say it. She'll understand. She _has_ to understand.

Lily, I love you, I really do. I _really_, really do. God, how can I ever make you see how much I love you? You're the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, and the first thing I think about when I wake up- 

Wait, that's too much. _Way_ too much. I'm letting her down gently here, not confessing undying love.

Even if that's what I really want to do…

Okay, can't think about that right now. Must remember James. Think…James. The one and only James Potter is in the house. Or in da house, or whatever that silly phrase is.

She really does have a gorgeous smile, though.

Gah! 

Brain, you remember James, don't you?

Hey, I was just checking! No need to picture him mad at me, thanks. I don't need that distraction right now.

Although I do feel I should point out that it's Remus who's a wolf, not James. And I don't think he'd tear me limb from limb quite like that…

Anyway, let's try again, shall we?

Lily, I care about you a lot. Having you in my life means so much, more than you could ever know. But James is my _best_ friend, and I can't hurt him like…well, like _this_ would hurt him, that is if he knew about it, of course, which will never happen...you're not going to tell him, are you? Are you?

Hmm. Better, although maybe a little too desperate at the end. Or a lot too desperate, depending on your point of view. 

I'd better hope Peter doesn't find out about this. He'll tell James for sure.

That guy never was any good at keeping secrets.

But back to Lily. I probably shouldn't neglect her. Don't want to upset her, not on her wedding day. James would kill me.

Oh, I should _not_ have gone there… 

How can I tell her it was a mistake? How can I possibly-

You think it was a mistake?

You're sorry?

If circumstances were different then we might have had a chance, but James is the man you're going to marry?

You love him? You can't live without him? You don't want to live without him? Right…

This, I must admit, I was not expecting.

Don't you want me just a little? I mean, I'm quite a catch, you know. Any girl in her right mind would want to date me…

Did I just say that out loud?

Oops.

No, of course I'm not suggesting you're crazy. Lily, calm down! Please?

Yeah, just put the butter knife down there. Okay. That's better. 

She's right. Well, she always is. That's why I hated her so much at first. You know, before I loved her and all. Just because she could make the feather rise up into the air and I couldn't…hey, it was my wand, all right?

Last night…well, it was just a stupid mistake, that's all. Enjoyable, but nonetheless the dumbest thing I have ever done in my entire life.

Let me revise that for you, brain. It was the dumbest thing, but also the best thing…

Can't tell Lily that, though. Must retain some dignity, even if I do want to just collapse in a snivelling heap at her feet and beg her to marry me instead.

Must maintain inner poise; it is essential in times of crisis. Hmm. Who was it who talked about inner poise all the time? Was it Professor Dumbledore?

Ah, Bridget Jones. Still, close enough.

Deep breath now, Sirius. Be the bigger man here.

Or the only man here.

James is a great guy, and I know you two kids will be very happy together.

That doesn't mean you have to go, though! Where is she going?

Okay, you have to go. You have to get ready. People will be heading to the church soon.

I understand.

I wish I didn't but…I do. It's James. It's always been him, hasn't it?

Wait, don't ask her that. I think I'd rather not hear her say it. There's only so much punishment I can take, you know? 

Still, I'm sure this previously undiscovered ability to withstand all of the pain and suffering someone can through at me will come in handy at some point in the future. So this hasn't been a total loss.

Let me help you with your coat there…wow. 

Her skin is still incredibly soft.

I want to kiss her again. 

I can't.

If I do, I don't know if I could let her leave.

And on top of everything else that's gone on here, I don't think I could cope with being arrested for abduction. That would really be the cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake…ooh, am getting hungry now.

Just say it already. 

Lily, I don't want you to go. Stay with me. Love _me._

I mean, what's the problem? It's not like it's in French or anything…

The problem is, she belongs to James. And I can't do that to him, I can't.

This is it. This is my last chance. Stop her, damn it!

I want to…how I want to…but I _can't_!

So I'll wave like an idiot instead. Real smooth, Sirius. 

She's gone.

Lily's left me.

That sounds weird – even in my twisted head. How can she leave me when she was never really with me in the first place?

Ugh, it's too early to think about that. Instead, will file that particular idea away for discussion when I finally get around to seeking psychiatric help. I have a feeling it will take a trained professional to unravel that one.

I miss her already. How pathetic is that?

Oh, God.

How can I watch her marry James today? How can I be happy for them?

How can I _not_ be happy for them? They love each other so much.

It's not James' fault that I love her too. 

My head hurts. And so does my heart.

Lily…


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